


Death is Warm

by Ladineie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: EVERYONE IS WHIPPED, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Han Jisung | Han Is Bad at Feelings, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Help, How Do I Tag, I don't know what to do about this, I'm so sorry for this, Jeongin And Jisung Are Roommates, Jisung can't breathe for a long while tbh, Jisung has a Mental Breakdown, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, Sad Han Jisung | Han, Stray Kids are really soft and shy and cute, Why Did I Write This?, it's really gay, it's sad, this is a word vomit, whipped gays
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27580397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladineie/pseuds/Ladineie
Summary: Jisung isn't good at letting his feeling out, preferring to bottle everything up, keeping everything to himself.Jisung doesn't have a safe place to cry at, so he bottles everything he feels for weeks on end. Not wanting to wake Jeongin up from sleeping in their room and bother Hyunjin who was in the bathroom, where he usually cries at, he breaks down at midnight on the couch in the living room, completely exposed to any passing eyes. The following events are confusing as ever as he tried to piece everything back together, one piece at a time. On the way, their might be some connecting relationships, and love discovered.Basically, read it cause its kinda soft and it's gay as hell :)
Relationships: Bang Chan/Everyone, Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han, Han Jisung | Han/Everyone, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Kim Seungmin, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin, Han Jisung | Han/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Hwang Hyunjin/Everyone, Kim Seungmin/Everyone, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)/Everyone, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Everyone, Seo Changbin/Everyone, Yang Jeongin | I.N/Everyone
Comments: 20
Kudos: 133





	1. Death Seems Comforting

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry about this! I got really sad and wrote this up. The feelings are genuinely what I was feeling at the time, so it might not make sense. I've been trying to finish works for you guys, but school is literally making me a mess. Not to mention I literally don't even feel like I'm living, to be honest. I'm just sitting there, breathing, but not necessarily breathing. It's like breathing with no purpose, just like breathing underwater, where you know you're going to die if you do it, but you can't stop. Like you physically can't stop. It's like I'm being forced, which is a feeling that is worrying, but I can't bring myself to care. I don't even know, I know I need help but how can I get it? I have no clue to be honest, but just enjoy this drabble! I might continue if you guys want, but I don't know. We'll see how it goes!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that the italics that are in here are gone. I'll post this on Wattpad under this user: (https://www.wattpad.com/user/LadineieLadine) so that if you want, you can somewhat have the full experience.
> 
> Also, I briefly mention W00jin, so please keep that in mind.

Jisung breathing became labored. The tears he had been trying for weeks to keep at bay were finally overflowing. He never thought that he would be in the situation that he was now when he finally broke, but here he was, sitting on the couch, with nowhere to hide. He had no place to go, to be honest, when he was like this. He never wanted to wake up Jeongin, but he thinks he would prefer that to being in the open like he was at the moment. Hyunjin was in the bathroom washing up, and so instead of going to his main (and only) crying place, he somehow ended up on the couch, vulnerable to any passing person's eyes. He sure hoped no one stopped to look at him.

He was supposed to be the sunshine, always happy, not bawling his eyes out. He had always made sure his cries were silent. He never had allowed himself to make any noise anyways, so he knew that he would be mostly quiet anyway, but he still needed to watch himself and make sure he was silent so as to not alert his members. The only tell-tale sign that would tell them he cried would be his red and puffy eyes. 

He slowly let his thoughts consume him, the limiting oxygen coming through was making it harder and harder to breathe as he tries to conceal everything. His eyes looked down at his hand on his thighs, although he couldn't see anything. His mind relayed every moment that made him want to scratch his ears off and eyes out. All the pain he felt before was coming out in waves which only made him feel worse. Crying always made him feel weak, his everything hurt, and it just made the tears come out faster. He dragged his hands up to his face, the heel of his palm pushing into his eyes. When it started hurting, he pushed harder. He was losing his grip and he knew it. He sniffed,and wiped his eyes. Whatever, he’d deal with that in the morning. He tried to quit crying, but he accidentally let out a sob. “Shit,” He thought, “That wasn’t supposed to happen.” He covered his mouth just in case any of the disgusting sounds decided to come out again. He turned in body sideways and pushed himself into the couch, concealing himself a little better. Anything was better than just being out in the open. That made him feel even worse. 

He cried, and cried. Eyes hurting, body hurting, mind hurting, him hurting. Maybe he shouldn’t close his feelings off if this was what he was gonna have to deal with. His stupid, stupid eyes were going to be closed up, his cheeks were going to be red and even more annoying than before. His nose was already irritated from swiping at it, and he knew his lips were going to be scabbed up, his ugly, ugly, ugly teeth tearing them up as he thought. Why the hell couldn’t he, too, be perfect like his band mates? Like his friends? They weren’t sensitive as he was. “That’s why I’m weak,” He thought. He just wanted to vomit all of his feelings out, but his head was going so fast, he couldn’t focus. He still couldn't breathe, airways now closing more that he thought about it. Maybe he would just die like this. “I don’t want to die though! What about the boys?” His voice rang in his head, the unwanted thought on how one person had left them already, but he tried to clear that away the best he could. That person was bad. No need to overthink that situation, he deserves worse than what he got off with. 

More thoughts of that he, himself deserves worse too. He cried and scratched his stupid cheeks. Why couldn’t he just think? Why was everything so difficult right now? It was like he was underwater. How does breathing go like again? What does Chan tell Minho when he has those- What are those called? It goes in 1, 2 , 3, 4, Out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, right? Is he doing it right? Is he counting too fast?

He doesn’t know anymore, he can’t breathe. He feels the hands of death grip him, he tries to thrash around, but he is enveloped in the warmth. It seems like dying, but why does it feel so good? He felt the warmth grumble a bit . “What is that? Why does it feel so”, He still fails to come up with words. Maybe he should just die. It feels this good, so what’s the problem? No! His members, his friends, his crushes NO he can’t leave them! Struggling harsher, he tried to break out of the grasp that had him pressed against some sort of soft wall. The hands let go in surprise. Yes! He would return to his boys, they wouldn’t even know he almost died, everything would be fine! He fell back from where he was on Death's lap. Different arms caught him, and all his hope vanished. They were shorter and felt like warm nights surrounded by candlelight, but No! He was gonna die if he let himself be taken by these arms! They felt comforting too, though. What was he supposed to do? He sobbed and quit fighting. Maybe that was his fate. To die in the warm, cozy, pretty smelling arms of his killers. Yes, maybe that was fine. His boys would be fine without him. He’s sure of it. 

His mind ran 30km a millisecond but he snuggled closer anyway, breathing was now hurting worse. Whatever, he again thought, some sleep would do him great. Hopefully they’ll still be here, I hope I don’t need to wake up. Similar thoughts filed his head. Here, all responsibility was gone, maybe he didn’t need to do anything anymore. This was death, right? He sure hopes so, it was so comforting. He drifted into a fitful slumber, mind never shutting completely off. Eventually he quit listening to the jumble of thoughts, only taking notice when he thought the warmth left, which made him whine. He didn’t want to leave death yet, or ever. They, whoever they were, seemed nice enough, letting Jisung crash his whole life on him, just so they could take it away. It seemed so beautiful. He never wanted to wake up. Ever.


	2. Death Is No More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung wakes up briefly and remembers nothing. Cue confusion and worried members.

When he woke up, it felt like his eyes were glued shut. The usual irrational panic that would go through him was nonexistent. He felt pretty numb. Once he finally opened his eyes, he saw black. A weird pang went through his chest when he took a deep breath. He tried to sit up, and realized that he was being helped. It turns out he was on Chan's lap, koala hugging him. How did that happen? Why was everyone in the living room? And why were they staring at him sadly? Did something happen? He made a confused sound, only to wince. His throat throbbed, and it was a challenge to even want to talk, let alone do it even without his throat being torn up. Looks like he was non-verbal for now. How the hell did that happen, also? What shit is he missing out on? He didn’t even notice Chan trying to talk to him. “Oh shit,” He thought as he started paying attention to him.

“-back there, do you want to tell us what had you all worked up?” Jisung's face stayed blank. He shrugged, and moved to get up. Chan let him cautiously. Good thing he was paying close attention because Jisung's legs gave up right as he tried to stand up. Chan caught him right before he hit the ground. He looked alarmed. They all did. Jisung still had no expression, pointing to his throat and mouth, hopefully getting the message across that he was non-verbal. Minho nodded, and relayed the message, having prior experience with being and experiencing Jisung being nonverbal. Jisung nodded in agreement, while Chan pulled him back on his lap. Jisung sat quietly, gently rubbing at his eyes. They were sore. He nodded in thanks to Seungmin who gave him a wet towel to clean his face. Why did it seem like he’d been crying? 

Oh. Oh. Oh, shit. He had been crying. The supposed ‘death’ gripping him had been Chan and Changbin. He had alerted them. He had let them know. He is so worthless. He can’t do anything right. Now they all knew. They are all losing sleep. Just because of him. It’s all him. Just him. It’s all his fault. All of it. What did they do wrong? Nothing, it was just him. IT’S All YOUR FAULT his head screamed. He blanked out. How the shit was he supposed to get himself out of this now? They all knew. They knew. They saw how pathetic he is. What is he supposed to do now? Now what? They would start treating him different now. He would be treated like glass. Glass was fragile, which means he was fragile. He was breakable. He was unfixable. He was trash. 

He is nothing.


	3. Death is Unreachable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung wakes up again and remembers everything. Panic rises, but is shot down. Chan and Felix are Heaven.

Jisung woke up yet again. He remembers everything this time. He had curled back up into Chan and Felix’s sides and promptly fell asleep. How weak. He woke them all up, only to sleep the sleep that they missed because of him. That was selfish. He was so selfish. He shook his head and cleared his thoughts. The rest of the boys were gone, but he was in bed with the two he fell asleep with. He was all wrapped up in Felix’s and Chan’s arms. Their strong arms. It was comforting. So very comforting. Again, he thought, if this were what death felt like, he would die in an instant. He glanced at the time. 9:49, nice. He should get ready for the day, maybe see what he could fix for the boys for keeping them up with his stupid-9:49? “Holy shit, we’re late!” Jisung thought in a hurry. He shook Chan, aiming to get him up first. Chan opened his eyes harshly, and Jisung immediately felt bad. Jisung bit his torn up lip. Chan took one look at his face and his whole body melted as he giggled and pulled Jisung into his neck further. 

“We’re okay Sungie, management gave us a day off and said with the circumstances that we would be able to get more when and if we needed. We’re okay, baby.” Jisung melted at the pet name, but looked and glared up into Chan's eyes, as if saying, “Why did you do that?” Which Chan laughed at again.

“We needed to make sure you were okay, Sung. We’re really worried about you, you know?” Jisung felt guilty. Chan pulled his lip from his teeth. "Stop that,” He gently coached. Jisung nodded and kissed his hand in a sudden breach of adoration and love. Chan smiled, and told Jisung to sleep more, and that he wants to talk later. Jisung nodded, he still felt mostly numb. I guess that was what that many tears, fears, and anxieties being released felt like. He would describe it as a friend that you had for years, when suddenly they are gone and left is a hole. You let that hole swallow you, and then you are the hole. That’s what he thinks it is. Just a ginormous hole that he has become. Getting rid of most emotions, and then just leaving. He was expressionless, as he listened to Felix shuffle and pull him closer. He relished in the warmth still emitting from both boys. He felt like death, but was surrounded by heaven. 

His personal Heaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the love you've shown on this!! It really motivates me to write more! 
> 
> Sorry the updates are inconsistent!!! Sorry the chapters are so short, also!!! School is a bitch ;I 
> 
> Please comment any ideas you have, I tend to always get writers block. I cannot promise that I will use your idea, but any help is appreciated!!! <3<3
> 
> Again, as always, Say stay~ Stay Stray, Stray Stay, Stay Safe!!!!! Love you guys!!
> 
> (I didn't know I was capable of using so many exclamation points haha)


	4. Free From Death?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung wakes up and is struck by the events that happened the night before. He lays with Felix a while, before they both get up to eat breakfast. Stray Kids are still worried about the whole situation, but relish in Jisung's beauty and his relaxed status. They have a nice, peaceful breakfast that is warm and full of laughter. Jisung realizes how much he loves them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY FOR THIS BEING SO LATE!!! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUT 3 WEEKS AGOOOO. I sincerely apologize to @joooonstiddies and everyone else who is reading regularly! I'm going to try to be more consistent, but no promises!! I love you all, though! Thank you so much for actually reading and stuff!!!!!

When Jisung woke up from his slumber for sure, he was pressed tightly into Felix’s chest. There was a rhythmic hand pulling through his hair gently. The bed was cold on his right side, but he was tucked in carefully. He knew Felix was awake, but he didn’t want to face the harsh reality that he had put himself in. He knew it wasn’t really his fault for breaking down, but he couldn’t help but want to blame himself. The newest manager, manager-nim is what he wanted Jisung to call him, was really on to him about not “keeping up” with the others. Han knew he was beautiful, knew he was good at singing, rapping, dancing, being loud. Someone telling Han that he needed to do better never bothered him. But that was always Han, wasn’t it? Jisung wasn’t by any means ‘Han’. Jisung is quite the opposite. Manager-nim didn’t seem to understand that like their main Manager Hyung did. Jisung was quiet, introverted. Jisung needed to be reminded every once in a while that, yes, he was enough. That he was worth it. Manager Hyungie understood just like his members did. He didn’t have to pretend around them all the time. But really, he wasn’t really faking everything. He usually got really excited while being associated with Stays. They made him so happy, so no, that wasn’t an “act”. It just got really hard when cameras are shoved in your face 24/7 and you were expected to be happy and funny because none of the fans should worry.

It was just so tiring.

“You awake, Hannie?” Felix murmured softly, voice sending gentle rumbles through Felix’s chest to Jisungs. “I can hear you thinking, stop that,” He added.

Jisung ignored the second part, “Hi, Yongbokkie, yeah, I’m awake.” He was slightly sarcastic. Felix snorted.

“I guess I deserved that,” Felix pulled Jisung over his body. “Much better,” His eyes closed. Jisung blushed and somewhat straddled Felix, tucking his head in Felix’s shoulder. He laid a soft kiss there, not looking to see Felix’ reaction. If only he did though. Felix blushed, and smiled happily. “What a great start to the day,” he thought.

‘Today is going to be a long day,’ Jisung sighed.

“So you joined us now, huh?” Chan hummed, trying to keep the atmosphere warm and light. They were looking at Jisung, but they couldn’t help it. They knew how anxious he could get even if it were just their eyes on him, but they just were so worried. It was hard to not stare for the hell of it, though. He looked so beautiful that morning. His fluffy hair was ruffled from where Felix’s hands ran through it. He had small scratches on his pretty cheeks from his blunt nails, and his lips were dry and scabby, and, God, his eyes. Oh, his eyes were in the worst condition that they had ever seen him in, but he looked stunning. He seemed brighter than he had been in the past few months. Like a very heavy weight that had been slowly crushing him for ever, and somehow, someone or something had suddenly lifted it so helpfully. He was practically glowing. He could have put a model out of their job by the way he looked. The artificial, warm light drowned him in its beauty.

Jisung was ever so slightly giggling, Felix doing a wonder on his nerves. Felix was almost attached to his side, and Seungmin quickly moved to the seat across the table so Felix and Jisung could sit together. Even God knows how whiny Felix would get if he didn’t sit by Jisung. Jisung was wearing a knitted white sweater that was too big on him, it was probably Minho's. He was wearing Changbin’s fluffy sweatpants, which shouldn’t fit him since they hardly fit on Changbin, but they surprisingly did. His snatched waist would be the one to thank for that.

Felix and Jisung sat down and Felix scooched his chair closest to Jisung’s. They were so close their hips touched and their chairs clashed. Jisung laughed, finding Felix’s need for closeness adorable. Jisung petted his head, taking in Felix’s beauty. They all looked good at all times, but Felix seemed really relaxed, and he looked like a kitten. It was adorable.

Jisung only looked up when someone caught his hand. He looked up to see Changbin, who he just noticed was sitting beside him, looking away and scrolling through something on his phone. Jisung blushed and gripped Changbin’s hand back. He would take the affection willingly, because he needed it most now.

“So, Jinnie! How did you sleep last night?” Chan asked, getting up to get another cup of coffee. Hyunjin shot up, shocked. He was drifting off, and was startled.

“Oh-! I’m okay Channie Hyung! I mean, I slept okay,” Jeongin laughed, loud and bright, which caused Jisung to loosen up more and giggle too. Jisung felt his hand squish more between Chanbin’s own hand.

“Pfft, okay Jinnie. How about you Seungminnie?” It seemed Chan was in a good mood, or maybe he was just pretending. Jisung didn’t know, but he hoped it was real. Minho was practically glaring at him. His look was almost scalding. It was weighted, and that was what Jisung feared. He didn’t want to drag his members down, but he was. The weight that was over him transferred right to Minho. Jisung sighed and started to get up so he could get his precious chocolate milk, when Minho spoke.

“I like it when you wear my clothes.” Jisung paused, and smiled bashfully as a thanks.  
He tried to get up again, but Felix practically crawled on him. Jisung tried to reason with him, and get him off so he could get his milk, but he wouldn’t budge.

“What, Lixie?” He mumbled, and cuddled closer into him. He wasn’t about to reject special Felix Cuddles for a second time.

“You’re warm,” Was Felix’s response. ‘Yeah, right,’ Jisung thought to himself.

“Here you are Hyungie!” Jeongin placed a large glass of his milk in front of him. Jisung was shocked. If anything, it would be Hyunjin who would get his drink for him, but he would usually need to beg him, and they would never let him have a glass bigger than a normal water glass. Jisung quickly pushed the negative thoughts away, but a few still escaped into his head. ‘It’s pity’ ‘They don’t actually like you’ ‘You interrupted their sleep, y’know? Cause you can’t keep your ugly mouth shut.’ ‘They hate you’ Jisung shook his head. He twisted as much as he could,and gave Jeongin a huge hug. Like normal, Jeongin struggled a bit, before eventually giving in and hugging back. Jisung giggled, now excited. He started sipping on his milk, and kicking his feet, unintentionally.

Changbin placed his empty hand on Jisung’s thigh, as his hands were busy holding milk. The conversations picked back up, and breakfast was placed on the table once Minho got up to help Chan and Hyunjin.

‘Maybe today won’t be as bad as I thought,’ Jisung thought as his thigh and the left side of his body generally heated up. Chocolate milk was filling his stomach, and the precious laughs of his members and friends made his heart swell further. The morning air could’ve never felt better.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you like it! Tell me your thoughts, what you think I did well on, what needs work, any advise would be greatly appreciated! Thank you for reading this word vomit, tell me if you want more, and I'll try to be on it! Stay safe, stay stray, stray stay! I love you all!!!


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